April 29

Well where do i even begin with what has happened in the last two months. I feel already i could have written a book. Ive laughed more and cried more than ever. Its defently been more than tough but seriously wouldnt want to be anywhere else doing anything else. I love these people so much.

Ive learnt so much about myself in the last few months, i see myself so much in these boys some old patterns of behaviour but also some patterns that im still trying to work on. Ive written a few emails to my family apologising for some ways i have acted in the past that i am just now realising that i did. I realise that altough our lives growing up couldnt be more different that really our desires are the same. And although we try to fufill it in different ways, it really can only truely be met by one thing- more jesus.
As humans we long to be loved. Sometimes we do stupid things so that we feel loved and sometimes we do stupid things because we dont feel loved. These boys and Nancy need so much love, and my weak love isnt gonna change them, yes i can help and yes i can show Jesus love but they need to recieve that love for themselves. All i can do is continue to pray and continue to show them that no matter what they are loved by there heavenly father, that they need there fathers love.
So everyday i continue to love them with Jesus love, seriously its his love through me or i dont think i would have had the strength. I make mistakes all the time, i feel like i have to apologise to them everyday!!

So i just wanted to share a little from my journal the other day of some of the things that have gone on the last few weeks:

What do you do when you wake up on monday morning and 4 out of the 5 boys refuse to go to school?
What do you do when someone comes to your door at 8 o clock at night to tell you one of your boys has been arrested?
What do you do when a boy stops talking to you for a few days and tells you he's gonna make you cry (he was nearly succesful!!) just because you didnt let him use you phone?
What do you do when someone rings you every few weeks to tell you thats hes in trouble and needs money to go to nairobi and this time its not a lie like it was the time before?
What do you do when you've sat by someones bedside for two days straight, gone 30 minutes out of your way to get special mango juice for him, stayed up until 3 checking on his drip and caring for him and he turns around and says that these muzugus havent fed me in a few days?
What do you do when 6 people are surronding you and asking you for things and telling you dont love them cause your not getting it for them?
What do you do when your body is so weak but the door continues to knock from 5 in the morning until 11 at night?
What do you do when a boy smashes a blub that was put in 5 minutes before just cause he didnt want the light on?
What do you do when someone calls you a bad person cause you didnt give them a pencil even though you gave them one just the day before?
What do you do when a 12 year old street boy dies and you cant find his parents?
What do you do when one of the boys comes home drunk and goes after one of the boys with a stool?

This is seriously only the smallest part of some of the things that have gone on. These are hurting people who really need jesus. The only thing i can do is to pray in every and any situation. And to keep loving them with the love that their Father wants to show them. Sometimes that can be hard when they get angry with you for the smallest thing even though you are doing so much for them. Sometimes it is easy to try and do it on my own strength to turn around and get angry or to try to defend myself and say that i havent done anything wrong. But i just need to keep praying and doing it with Gods help and Gods strength.

But then there is the good times, the times that make me laugh every single day. Seriously i laugh so much and have gone back to school days with everyone telling me to stop laughing during the meetings and yes sometimes during praying. They make me laugh, alot of the time when they are in their moods and say the funniest things. Or times when we do things as a family, like catching crabs on the beach golf style. Or going to school for one of the boys i am helping outside the house and seeing that he is number one in the class, everyone is talking about how changed he is.
Dancing in church, going to parent teacher meetings that they are talking about escape routes because they arent meant to have tuition during the holidays(thinking of the big mama rolling down the roof seriously made me laugh so much in the meeting!!!) Or laughing so much in bed and having one of them come and tell you to stop laughing cause they are really scared (my laugh is a cackel sometimes but that made me laugh even harder)
Days are hard but laughing with them is so good and sometimes at them!!! it reminds me that yes they are hurting and yes they are still caught up in doing things from the past. But there Father wants them and loves them and they are gonna change, its gonna be slow but these are gonna be amazing men.
Please keep me in your prayers. Carly and Val leave in 2 more weeks and I really need so much Jesus so that I can give it to them as my sister's wont be here to do it with me. I will be taking on the job alone that the 3 of us have been doing together, so please pray for me as this season comes up quickly.
Rachel